7 Research-Based Strategies to Help Teen Girls Navigate Friendship Conflict

By Dr. Mary Noble-Tolla

Friendship conflict among teen girls is common and can be painful, but it's also a developmental opportunity. This blog offers educators seven research-backed strategies to coach students through conflict and know when to step in.

In my work as a researcher at LeanIn.Org, I've spent over eight years studying the barriers faced by women and girls—and translating that research into practical resources to help. In talking to parents and teachers, one theme comes up again and again: Conflict and social issues are among the biggest problems they see teen girls facing, and among the most difficult for adults to address.

Here's a story that may feel familiar. An eighth-grader named Marie had recently transferred to a new school. She'd been welcomed into a popular friend group, but the girl at the center of it was, in Marie's words, "just mean." Marie felt she had to play along, even when she saw unkindness. One January day, Marie went home and cried on the couch for two hours. "It's so exhausting," she later told her mother.

Social scientists call this behavior relational aggression: exclusion, rumor-spreading and subtle unkindness. It’s especially common among teen girls—and unlike physical aggression, it’s notoriously difficult for even attentive teachers to detect.

Why unkindness from friends can hit harder for girls

From an early age, girls are socialized to be more accommodating and relationship-focused than boys. Many girls become highly attuned to social cues—who’s being discussed, who’s included, who’s left out. 

This sensitivity can be a strength. It can also make conflict more distressing. But with appropriate support from adults, girls can emerge with greater socio-emotional skills and resilience. That’s where educators can make a real difference.

7 strategies for educators

The following strategies are organized in the order you'll likely need them: first, what you can do before conflict happens; then, what to do when you witness it; finally, how to support a student after she comes to you.

1. Build the kind of relationship where students will actually tell you things

Research shows that when teens have just one trusted adult at school, it tends to meaningfully protect their mental health. You don't need to be that adult for every student—but for some students, you may be the only one.

Building trust with your students is less about grand gestures than consistent small ones:

• Speak warmly and encouragingly to all students. A 2022 study found that a teacher's tone of voice had a large effect on whether students felt safe sharing difficult experiences. A flat or controlling tone made students less likely to open up.
• Learn your students’ names quickly, and make notes on who they’re friends with and what they care about.
• Name what you notice: "You seem a little off today—everything OK?" You don't need an answer. The noticing is the message.
• Follow up. If a student told you something hard last week, check in.

A note on tips 2, 3 and 4: These are whole-class lessons, not one-on-one conversations. Whatever subject you teach, there is room for a brief, practical lesson in standing up for yourself, considering other people's perspectives, or what a real apology looks like. Two to five minutes of discussion—or a journaling prompt or quick role-play—is enough. The goal is to give students language and practice before they need it, so it's there when they do.

2. Teach assertive communication to your whole class—and treat it like any other skill

Standing up for yourself is a skill, not a personality trait; and like any skill, it can be taught. With that in mind, these three sentence starters are worth introducing and practicing with your students:

1. "When you said that, I felt ___."
2. "Please don't talk about me that way."
3. “Please stop.”

And here are three more statements your students can practice to stand up for friends: 

1. "Let's not pile on."
2. “I’m not doing this.”
3. "I'm not OK with this."

3. Teach your whole class to consider other perspectives—before anyone needs to do this it in a conflict

In the heat of the moment, students often jump to the worst interpretation of what someone said or meant. Researchers call this tendency assuming the worst without enough evidence—reading an ambiguous glance or message as hostile, even when it might not be. It's one of the main drivers that escalates peer conflict, and it can be changed. 

The most effective classroom approaches use fictional scenarios—short stories, historical events, characters in a book—so the whole class can practice the thinking without the emotional charge of anyone's real situation. 

Two approaches that work in any classroom:

• Scenario discussion: Present a short, ambiguous social situation—a text message that could be read two ways, a friend who didn't save a seat. Ask: What's one explanation? What's another? What would you need to know before deciding?
• Tone experiments: Read the same sentence aloud with different tones—curious, sarcastic, warm, flat. Ask students what changes. A 2020 study found that some teen girls were especially likely to read hostility into a message based on tone of voice alone, even when the actual words were neutral. 

4. Teach making amends before anyone needs to

A 2018 study found that when teachers gave students a clear, student-led process for naming what went wrong and repairing it, teachers actually ended up less involved in resolving conflicts over time. What that looks like in practice:

• Teach what a real apology looks like. A genuine apology names the specific thing that happened, takes responsibility ("That was unkind and I own it"), and doesn't demand forgiveness.

• Talk about the difference between owning something and over-apologizing. Girls are often taught to apologize reflexively—for taking up space, for having opinions, for speaking up. The difference between "I'm sorry I interrupted you" (owning something real) and "I'm sorry I'm so much" (shrinking yourself) is worth a class discussion.

  

5. Know what to do when you witness conflict, unkindness or exclusion

Research on how students read teacher responses to unkind behavior found that saying nothing is not neutral. When teachers don't respond, students read that silence as permission. The behavior becomes part of what's acceptable in your room.

The four forms of unkindness you're most likely to actually see:

• The put-down that’s framed as a joke. "I was just kidding" is the most common cover. A dismissive comment about someone's answer, appearance or social standing, delivered with a smirk.
• Nonverbal dismissal. The pointed eye-roll when a student speaks. The audible sigh. The cold shoulder during group work.
• Public exclusion during group work. "We already have a group." The visible shuffle away when someone tries to join.
• The dismissive comment in class discussions. A remark that mocks or minimizes another student's contribution. 

What to say—in the moment, without escalating:

The goal is to name what happened for the whole room without publicly shaming any one person, because every student watching is also updating their sense of what's acceptable in your class.

• When you hear a put-down framed as a joke: "I'm going to pause us here—that comment landed unkindly. Let's keep going, but let's be aware of how we're talking to each other."
• When a student is excluded in group work: Reorganize the groups yourself, without comment. The action is the message.
• When you hear a dismissive comment in class discussion: "We respond to ideas here, not to people. [Targeted student's name], please continue."

One thing to avoid: pulling the person who made the unkind comment aside privately, while the student who was targeted stays in the room unacknowledged. This leaves the target feeling invisible twice—once by the peer, and once by you.

6. Learn to recognize the signs 

A 2024 review found that covert forms of unkindness, like the silent treatment, are among the hardest forms of peer harm for educators to detect.Watch out for:

• A previously engaged student who goes quiet, avoids group work, or asks to leave at unusual times.
• Friendship groups that shift abruptly; she was always with one friend, now she's alone.
• Strong academic performance but a changed demeanor: low energy, distraction, visible anxiety.
• A student who comes to you not to report anything specific, just to linger. She may be looking for a safe adult.

7. When a student confides in you, let her find her own answer

Research shows that students who are guided toward their own answers develop stronger problem-solving skills and more lasting confidence than students who are told what to do. 

In practice, that means asking before advising. "What happened next?" "What did you try?" "What are you thinking you might do?"

When to bring in other adults

Most friendship conflicts are normal, and students benefit from working through them as independently as they can. But you probably know that there are times when coaching isn't the right response. If you’re aware of threats, harassment, repeated humiliation, or concerns about safety, reach out to a school counselor, social worker or administrator. When in doubt, bring someone else in.

Teach more of these skills to your students with Lean In Girls

The strategies above—problem-solving, speaking up, seeing other perspectives, and understanding personal values—are at the heart of the Lean In Girls curriculum. This free, research-based program is designed for educators, counselors and group leaders working with girls ages 11-15, and includes ready-to-use lesson plans, hands-on activities, and engaging discussion prompts.

Sign up today to access the free Lean In Girls curriculum.